My Room-room is used to invent new rooms. It is furnished with a desk and a chair, and is – via a Japanese screen – in fact a sub-division of the bedroom. More ample ample Room-rooms, I imagine, in houses more spacious and better endowed than my own (yes, these exist!) would be equipped with space to trial new species of room and distinguish the really  valuable from the unfortunate red herring. As it is, my trial space is an imaginary space and I must content myself with the practice of paper-interior-design, which still, I heartily proclaim, yields riches. Some of the new rooms that have been wrought in my Room-room include:

The Jigsawery – A patchwork sort of room, one must piece it together before it can be used. But on completion one finds that the actual process of puzzling out the magic of the correct design was its ‘proper’ use, for once completed it seems no longer to be a Jigsawery but completely another type of room – a kitchen, say, or even a potting shed. Can one disassemble and then start the Jigsawery again? Would the same room result from the same Jigsawery pieces? Who knows? What is known is that it makes a great family activity at Yuletide.

The Beard Room – For excess hair.

The Oubliette – Unlike the traditional room of the same name, which is a horrid type of dungeon, this chamber is a sort of anti-museum or a palace of forgetting. Those things that cause pain or strife, or even a pale form of unnecessary angst, can be removed or just left out of this room, whereupon the occupant can concentrate very hard on the contents (in particular on the voids) and in this way erase the unwanted objects from their memory.

The Screet – Short for discreet. A very subtle room. Quite modest, far from boastful, almost shy. I have yet to determine the proper use for the Screet.

The Lunarium – The nocturnal companion to the Solarium, which would – from the influence of the night – take on its character. A space to indulge in the appreciation of moths and owls and the somber, silver beauty of moonlight and the dark.

The Metacorridor – A passage to join another passage to itself, with no other purpose.

The Bosculium – A room within a tree, composed of tree, where one thinks of trees.

The Ridicularium – A jocular sort of room for the purpose of jollity and for making jokes. The room may be adorned (if your humour tends towards this sort of thing) with comic material or it may contain objects like bananas, plaster noses modelled after Michaelangelo’s David, plastic shits or any other item that is inherently funny. If the hilarity gets too much, one can retire to the Sobriatory.

The Kerchiefen – A small closet, sound and mucus proofed, where one can blow one’s nose undisturbed by other persons or by the grave worries that afflict any conscientious participant of the modern world.

The Scruffage – In which to deposit my mess.

The Bone Library – A room to store one’s collection of bones, ordered along the guidelines put forth in the Dewey Decimal System.

The Chamelaroom – A room to avoid the embarrassment provoked by the absence of a room in front of guests. If one is showing a party around ones abode and is asked to present for inspection some faddish chamber – the red room, the green room, the refectory, the Balkan spa, the nose-nest, the interior-lawn, the supra-kitchen, the languidry, the laundry, the billiard-and-spice-room, the silly-patio, the chapel or the nervous-office, then without worry the host can open the door to the Chamelaroom and – voila – there is the visage of the expected space.

The Urgentry – For when one is in a flurry.

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